Get me outta this FUCKING hell hole.

Now way back when i moves out of my parents house and i was so happy to be free, of course back then i liked my parents and the family that surrounded me,

But, because i wasn't earning enough money and was struggling to get by, they told me to move back in with them, so i got my old room back,

Well, i'm still here, and I'm 31 years old, yea sad i know.

I think this dislike of my family stems from the fact that i'm around them every day, because at times when i don't see them very often, i can tolerate them.

When i was 17 my mother asked me if i wanted a dog, because the family across the street had 4 7 week old pups, we got the last one and the only bitch of the letter,

I bought her home and from then on she became a point of argument between me and everybody else, according to "the family" she is the family dog, unless she needs a walk, to be feed, to be brushed, to be washed or taken to the vet, at which point she is "your fucking dog", besides i was the only person in the family who ever took her out for walks or any kind of excise for that matter.

Any way, my sister got her own place and my mother had a great idea, that because myself my Dad and my Mother worked full-time and my sister was raising two twins, she figured that it would be better for Misty (my name) to stay with her, honestly i still think it was just an excuse to get rid of Misty, my mother actually used Misty as a source fo threat, "if you don't do it i'll get rid of her" etc, she even threatened to give her away (which she did to our previous dog Tina a Border Collie, who belonged to my Nan) or have her put down, my mother is a bitch.

So my dog goes to live with my sister, I'm not to happy about this, my parents love the idea and my sister couldn't really care, i didn't speak to them for awhile.

But still the ridiculousness of the situation continues, every time Misty needed a wash she'd be bought back so i could do it, and when i asked "why can't you give her a wash" my sister would simply say "she's your dog", so she's bought back to me just to give her a wash, now where's the logic in that, what's more, neither my sister or her kids (who sit around all day playing video games, there 13 now) don't walk her either, my sister thinks that putting her in the garden is good enough, this garden ain't very big, i think my sister thinks that people only walk they're dogs so they can piss and shit, thats it.

My dog is a Black Labrador Pedigree, which means she's going to have medical problems, and her back legs will start to get weak, but if you walk a dog regularly and keep her body and her legs fit it will slow down the inevitable, also her nails are way to long, another side effect of not going out for walks, it can't be to comfortable for her, all she does is lay down, when she does come here, my parents constantly scream at her to lay down, because of the noise her nails make on the cheap wood floor and at my sisters it ain't much better.

I don't know what it is but i'm not entirely sure my family understand the fact that Misty can't understand english, they talk or rather shout at her like a small child, i have to keep reminding them, yes i've told them many many times, that she doesn't understand english, they even end it with "stupid dog" then because i have trained her i snap my figures and nod my head towards the stairs and say "down stairs" Misty then looks at me and turns towards the stairs and walks down, no shouting no screaming necessary,

I'm constantly told by my sister that Misty's back legs are going,that sometimes she can barely stand and eat her food,

Most years my family go on a holiday to the Canary Islands and i stay at home, Misty is bought back to stay with me, so for the two weeks they are away i book a holiday from work, i have the place to myself, lovely, every day i'd get up, have a wash, have breakfast and then take Misty out for a long walk through the local woods, its like an hour or something, i walk real slow so she can run about chasing birds and squirrels, she'd loved it, but now she can't do that, the walk to the woods is bad enough, but the time we get home she's barely moving, and will be panting for hours, later that day i took her for a walk around the block, it was cooler and she was fine with that, the next day i took her on a very slow walk to a shop about a mile and a half away, well, she made it back home just fine and her nails had worn down some, so for the next two weeks i took her out twice a day, a long hour long walk in the morning and a quick run around the block in the evening, on the last day, her nails were really waring down and her fitness was much better, she was barely panting after the morning walks, but i knew that later on she'd be going back to my sisters place,

My parents would arrive home and my dad would just gather up all Misty's stuff, food, bowl, bed and toys 'N' stuff then take her home, my sister of course was with us,

This is a story that has been pissing me off for years, my mother sent Misty to my sisters place so she wouldn't have to stay in an empty house on her own all day while we were at work, ok i get the logic there, but then why does my sister spend more time here then at home, she still has a fucking bedroom here, a bedroom for her stuff when she stays here, she doesn't even live here anymore for fuck sake, so MY dog sits in an empty house all day, or she's let out into the garden in the morning and somebody will drive up there to let her in and feed her in the evening then come home and leave her on her own again,

This whole situation pisses me off, but when i say something, like "its not fair leaving her on her own al day" i get a "she's fine" or if a make a comment about why her back legs are so fucked like "there weak because you don't take her out for walks" i get a "she's your dog" which makes no sense to me, and then i'm the bad guy, i then get an ear full from all corners, my mother my sister, and my dad just sits in the corner saying nothing as usual,

My sister, I barely tolerate.

My Dad, I barley tolerate, and at times i fucking hate.

My Mother, Is the bane of my existents, if i mention money we argue, if i mention Misty (my dog) we argue.

I've often sat in the dark at night while my parents are sleeping and actually planed out they're death in my head, a simple, brutal murder, and with each stab or slash i feel just that little bit better, then i move to my sister and her kids.

This is why i need to get out of this place, i can't stand it anymore.

Once i do get out, i'm going to get another dog (Misty isn't likely to last the year) and this dog will have more rights in my home then my family, period.

A self-deprecating Hoodie

As i sit here looking at my Vloggerheads page trying to muster the words to write this blog, i can't help but think that,

I'm tired,

I'm tired of looking at this page,

And I'm tired of looking at this web-site

I spend to much time here, its almost like an addiction, I have to log in every day,

recently i've been checking the chat room for familiar names, a small group of chatterheads that i like to converse with, some are in my country others are not, but unless they are in there i don't chat at all, plus my typing sucks.

I have joined 35 Vloggerhead groups, some of these i started, but i very rarely go to them, the groups get old real fast.

I have 19 Blog posts (not including this one), but unless you have a title that captures the eyes of the other "hoodies" you might only get a few comments, and you have no idea of just how many people have actually read it because there is no view count like on the videos.

Well, my videos, there are 119 120, the latest one is up-loading right now, i was tagged to do a video about my favorite song, the song that i chose was You Know Your Right by Nirvana, a song that seems to be in-sync with my emotion state of mind most of the time, and as it happens right now.

Lately i haven't been motivated to make any videos, i would normally jump on almost any band wagon that coasted past just to get another video online, but lately, i just can't be bothered with it, i made two videos based on George's "abduction by Aliens" but i really had to force that out and only because George mentioned me in one of his Human videos, if he hadn't of done that i most likely wouldn't of made those videos, Grifter's Epilogue, should have been prelude, that shows just how with it i was with that one, and Grifter goes after George and Alan, both of which i filmed on the fly at 4am in the cold, i had no idea how to end it so i just did the whole passing out thing, once i had put all that together and up-loaded them i looked at it as a precursor to a series of videos that i was thinking about doing the day before, which is why i changed my picture, the videos would have heavy CGI work and it would take a long time just to do one of them, i had such a great idea for them,

Basically i would up-load the first video to Mediafire then send someone in my friend list the link in a private message with a script, that person would play out the script and then play the video they downloaded from mediafire, and then would start a 10 episode series of videos, each video up-loaded somewhere different, sometimes on Vloggerheads other times on Youtube, and at times just a link to a web page might appear in a blog, i was really getting in to this idea, but over the last two day i just lost all motivation to do it, i was even going to film the last video in the States with a fellow hoodie.

Maybe i'll continue that later, when i feel better.

I think the reason I'm writing this is because i just wanted to write something and this is how i feel right now as i type, it's 6:18 am, and soon i'll turn off my Mac, and go to bed, in about 5 hours i'll wake up and turn on my Mac, and in doing that i'll log into Vloggerheads.

Last week i spent so much time in front of my computer that when i had to leave for work on Friday night and i had to do a lot of walking, my legs started to hurt, i had aching muscles in my thighs, i'd sat down so much during the week that my legs hurt when i walked,

I don't know,

Why am i writing this blog instead of going to bed, i think i need time away from Vloggerheads for a bit, i need to not turn it on, i need to stay away, but as long as my Mac is on i'm going to log in.

I've been very irritable lately, getting pissed off with people who think there being funny, by repeating the same joke over and over and over, people i like, but wonder why i fell the need to chat with them every fricking day, is that sad, answers on a post card, another reason i think i need to get away from it all is,

Attachments, no not those files you glue to an email, is it safe to have feelings of a fellow vlogger? a vlogger who may or may not live in the same country, and may or may not feel the same way, but who you thought did at one point past? I've said to much.

As i sit here writing this blog, i wonder, is it long enough? should i fatten it up a bit? should i even post it? was it just an excise in writing? did i just need to get it off my chest? should i throw my Mac out the window and go back to loving my television? maybe i could start playing video games again? or........

Not such a long blog this time, personally I'm disappointed, but there you go,

I'm reading a book called Bird by Bird, Yes i'm still reading it, and the Author, Anne Lammott, said that you should do writing excises, i guess the last few blogs have been just that, i've just been writing what was on my mind, but then it all helps right, i get shit off my chest and i better my writing skills at the same time, which if you think about is like a muscle, you have to train it, and give it a good cardiovascular workout, so right now my brain is doing a 10 mile run, and i haven't even started to breath heavy or broken a sweat,

Its now 6:56am so i'm going to up-load this blog and go to bed, nighty night.

Regards,

The incoherent Hoodie

~Jay~

My State of Mind: ITS ALL ABOUT THE SEATS.

Hey Guys,

It's no secret that I'm not a big fan of my security job, but I'm not going to bore you with more details of that, but what I do wonna talk about is how I get to work.

I commute, I'm a commuter, I have to do this, it's a necessary evil for me,

Now I could ride my bike, which, if your interested is a DMR Sidekick 12 and a half inch frame with ridged folks running on Mavic D521 rims wrapped in 2.6' Tioga rubber supported by Shimano XT hubs driven by Shimano STX RC cranks with a 21 tooth chain ring with DMR 8 pedals topping them off, I use a body splitting Tioga saddle and my stopping power comes from my hydraulic Magura Tomac rim brakes. All in all a very good bike, which I built myself, so it's unique, but it's a trials bike, built for tricks and stunts, not long distants riding.

The journey would be about 9-10 miles and down hill most of the way, which is good for going to work but very bad for going home, I don't do up hill.

So I use the wonderful London public transport network, buses (double decker) and Tube trains (London Underground) and to pay for all this I have an Oyster card, basically a piece of plastic with a magnetic strip ruining through it, I put money on it, like a pay as you go phone, each bus costs me £.90p and the trains cost me £2 to £2.40 in peck hours, so that's two buses and two tube adventures, once your in the tube network there's no extra cost, you can use as many trains a you like, as long as you don't leave the station, so most of the time I need two trains, the second one is a one stop thing, that brings me up outside the Parliament building, but on Sundays I need three trains To get home, which is annoying but not unbearable. So I pay between £5.80 and £6.60 a day in travel, now at the moment Im only working three days a week so it's not so bad, but once I start working day shift I'll need a weekly or a monthly travel card, or even a yearly one, I'll wait and see, but again this isn't the topic of this blog, well the commuting part is.

I've been using buses most of my life and I use the London Underground pretty damn often so it's natural for me, as a bus or train pulls up that I move to the doors I'm going to use to enter the bus/train and then check if anyone is getting off, if not fine but if there is I move to one side, standing by the side of the doors so that the people on board have a clear egress, they can step off and not worry about bumping into me, then they can go about they're business, and I've noticed that when I do that, move to one side, everybody behind me kinda does the same, they get out of the way.

So why is it that every time I get to my tube station and there are people waiting on the platform ready to jump on, why do they just stand there, all huddled together like Empirer Penguins trying to stay warm, then they all look at me, they don't even try to let my off the train first, they stand in a semi circle around the doors waiting to jump on and snatch up a vacant seat, it's all about the seats.

I remember a few weeks back, it was a Monday morning I was heading home for the last time that shift and this happens, now it's like 7 in the morning and im tired I've been up since 1pm the day before I just want to get home and get some sleep without the alarm clock interfering, I'm thinking about 8 to 9 hours of sleep, but when I go to step off the train there are people and they're not moving out of the way so I bump into them as I do so, The train ain't going nowhere yet people it'll still be here when I get off, like a herd of cattle, one of them starts to move and they all follow suit, it's all about the seats,

If you ever visit London, and I hope you do because I love this place, even it's faults, remember those words if your ever on the London Underground, ask Paul he knows, he's been there,

~ITS ALL ABOUT THE SEATS~

I actually said to these people "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY, FOR FUCK SAKE", I'm not usually like that but it's really annoying, especially when you make a conscious effort to let people off first before even trying to get on, I've heard somebody say that London is the only place where people can let you off a train while moving forward to get on it, I doubt that's true, but I do see it every time I use the London Underground.

Another thing that annoys me is when a person looks at you, makes eye contact and then doesn't make any effort to even move just a little bit to let you pass, this goes for trains, buses, stair cases and streets in general.

If you do visit London go to Oxford Street, one of the busiest streets in Britain and try to walk it without bumping into anyone or being bumped into by another, it's impossible.

I used to walk behind a friend of mine, Anthony Profitt, he's a big fella about 6"6' and large around the middle, I let him take the lead because I throught people made an effort not to bump him, I mean it's not like you couldn't see him coming, so I'd hang back and walk in his wake, it's like a comfort zone of clean air with nobody to bump into, but if somebody did bump him he used to say that he wishes he had a shotgun it would of been easier to clear a path, I used to think, not so much clear as scatter a path, but then you'd have to deal with sirens and police and it's just to much hussle really.

Although I had that thought today as I stepped off the train and nobody moved to make that easier, I thought that if I had a shotgun and shot someone with it I wouldn't have that problem, people would see that im exiting the train, maybe a little disgruntled, and they would want to let me pass.

As I imagined this scenario playing out in my mind as I bluntly pushed through the crowd I walked to a small gate that's leads to the stairs, and a group of people were filing through it, I waited for a brake in the flow of people to again push past, the shotgun seemed like so much more fun then this, I started up the stairs and these two blokes (bloke - A man, British/Austrailian slang) were talking halfway up, one was leaning against the railing the other was standing about halfway across the stair, this man looked down at me and then turned back to his friend to continue they're chat, needless to say I had to hug the opposite railing to get past, saying "don't worry I got it" I heard a tut as I continued up the stairs, so at the top I round the corner to my left and make a bee line for the gates, a man who works in the station is standing in front of it, I approach and he doesn't move, my first thought was 'cunt' the second drew me back to the shotgun idea.

Anyway I pass the gates by swiping my Oyster card and moving to my desired exit, which is the afore mentioned Parliment Building, I wrap up my coat because it's cool and I leave the tube station behind me only to meet a crowd of people outside taking photos of the castle like structure of Big Ben, now even though I call it Big Ben it's not called Big Ben, Big Ben is the name of the large bell in the tower behind the clock, and apparently it was made by the same company that built the Liberty Bell, but don't quote me on that, The shotgun again at the front of my mind although taking pot shots at tourists outside a government building isn't the best idea, that place is crawling with armed police and I wouldn't last very long.

So if you commute to work every day and you hate it, you have four choices;

1, Drink your milk and eat your vitamins, and then make people move by acting like Mr.T.

2, Learn to fly, yea okay that's pushing it a bit I know.

3, Become Chuck Norris, frankly you stand a better chance of learning to fly.

4, Get a shotgun, that should clear or scatter you a path to move through.

Alternitivly, you could get a city friendly car or even a Vesper, but where's the fun in that?

Your friendly commuter,

~Jay~

Shotgun free for 7 months and counting.

Happy Fricking New Year

My thoughts on the whole Christmas and New Years thing,

Lets start off with Christmas Shall we,

Now i used to love Christmas, i remember that i couldn't sleep for a week leading up to it, school seemed to never end, each day getting longer and longer, the Christmas holidays always seem just out of reach, and we always got home work over the Christmas holidays, why? did they actually think that a bunch of kid were going to sit at a table and do homework when there is fun to be had, i don't think so, well not that i ever did home work, but thats another story,

So, whatever day it was came along and the school would let us out early, we'd say "see you next year" to every one of our friends as if it was this big joke, secretly saying to ourselves "what i actually meant was, i'll see you in January not in 365 days or 366 if its a leap year",

ah those goofy kids,

There is always a huge build up to Christmas, its like months in advance, don't those advertising companies understand the stress they put on our little minds, advertising months in advance just makes us want Christmas to came sooner, which mean it seems like it takes longer, what's wrong with you people, do you like torturing small children, you wave Christmas goodies in front of our faces then laugh at us from behind the cathode ray tube saying "nope not yet, you still have two months to go" haha very fucking funny,

I was that kid who never really believed in Santa Claus,

Actually the prospect of a fat dude jolly or not shinning down the chimney with a sack over his shoulder in the middle of the night kinda crept me out, think about it, he gets away with because its Christmas, if he did that at any other time of year he'd get arrested for either attempted robbery or trying the tempt young children to sit on his knee, either way not good,

Anyway, kinda lost track there,

Christmas Eve would roll over and my mother would let me and my sister open one present each, and we got to choose, as long as it wasn't any of the big ones, and so we'd open one which would tides us over for the next 24 hours, its kinda like, getting a Christmas fix, you wake up early on the 24th and your all sweaty and shacking, you say to your mother "i gotta have one man, please, i'll do anything, pay anything (not that you earned money at such a young age, unless you were sold into slavery and let out in the holidays, which means you could, maybe pay or bribe your way to an early christmas pressy) she'd cave and you got your fix, and it would wash over you like a cozy blanket, you'd hug it, crash it, jam it in the top loader, or try it on, but it would get you though the next 24 hours, barely.

Christmas Day, December 25th (in case you didn't already know) 5am, i'd be awake, shaking again, needing that fix, silently, like a Ninja but not any Ninja, a Ninja who is trying desperately to avoid Chuck Norris, I'd slide out of bed, and hiding in the shadows, Ninjaly quite like a cat stalk to my bedroom door, out in to the hallway, damn the light is on, you see, my mother can hear like Superman, but her eyes can't see for shit, making sure my foot falls are as close to the walls as possible so not to make the floor boards creak, This is like so kind of covert mission, not to make it in one piece to the Christmas tree, but to evade my mum, anyway, with Ninja patience and zeal, i'd get to the stairs, looking down into the darkness that is the hallway, Here b dragons, step on the edges of every step down i'd go, descending into darkness, the only light, faint as it was, came from the Christmas tree light, in the living room, once down i could relax, but only a bit, for the floor was concrete, and made no sound under foot, again i attach myself to the shadows, those super radar like ears are searching for me i knew it, the living room door was in reach, the shaking was getting worse, i push the door, and like an old hammer horror the door doesn't just creak, it screams in pain, so loud the neighbors could hear it, surely she heard it, i freeze, using the shadows like only a trained Ninja could, 

hey i was 9, in my own mind i was a trained Ninja, every 9 year old with an imagination worth a damn is a Ninja,

I wait, i listen eyes closed, as if it would help to enhance my hearing, turning my head slightly to the left, again i though it would help, what, they do it in the movies, whatever,

but to my surprise and glee i hear nothing, so slowly i push the living room door open, it creaks but its open enough for my to slide though the gap,

The tree, like a shining beacon of hope and toys flickers in the corner, up i stand, slowly i move towards it, convinced my mother the Jedi master would appear out of nowhere to thwart my effert,

There i stand at the foot of the tree of Christmas the one symbol i cared about, because my toy were sitting underneath, i slow lower myself to the floor, and start routing though, tossing presents without my name on them to one side, i find one and start to open it, then, like a banshee for hell, JASON WHAT THE F**K ARE YOU DOING GET TO BED OR THEY'LL BE NO CHRISTMAS FOR YOU, YOU LITTLE SHIT (she never said that i just added it for dramatic affect), anyway, i'd go back to bed and the next few hours would be the longest i'd ever have to wait for anything, ever.

The moral here is that no matter how good a Ninja you think you are, your Mother is a fricking Jedi, and knew what you were going to do before you did.

Christmas for me lost its splendor when i was about 15 or 16, i just kinda got bored of it, the thought of having to stand there and open presents in front of people is a little, how can i say this, childish, you could put my presents in a Tesco's bag and i'd appreciate all the more.

Christmas for me means family not presents or Santa, its a time you break bread at the diner table with your family, not just the ones you live with every day, but those you don't get to see very often, its a time to come together as a family,

Also, as an individual i think it helps to have kids, to enjoy the wonder of the day with your children, the best part of the Christmas Holidays for me was watching my 4 years nephew open presents, the look on his face when he opened a power ranger action figure and the horror on his face when he opened a pair of socks, then sulked a little and throw them to the floor, priceless.

New Years for me is just a number change on the calender and an excuse to drink, and you all know i don't need an excuse to drink, again its just another reason to party, but my thinking is, why do you need the reason, just party anyway who cares what time of year it is, milestones are different though, the year 2000 for instants, i mean how often does a millennium come around?. Oh wait...