New beginnings..?

I'm at work, can't say i like being here, its not the company i work for or the company i keep here, some are decent folks, others, not so much, I've written about my misgivings about my management before so i won't go into it now.

I guess i would like to be remembered as a writer and or director of Motion Pictures, not that, at this moment, i am either, but i have been writing for some years now and if you read my last blog you'll understand my writing style, what i mean by that is the slowness of it, I'm a slow writer, it takes me a long time to finishes a script, mostly because, i think, i have no idea if they'll get made, so i don't really have a incentive to finish them quickly, about 6 weeks ago i set in motion something that could change everything.

On a web site called Shooting People (shootingpeople.org) which is an independent film makers resource, over 35.000 film makers are registered on this site, in Britain, New York, San Francisco and Los Angeles, they produce daily news letters in the form of an email, for Producers, Directors, Writers, Actors and other fields in the film industry, I asked for people living in my area, who were like myself, amateur film makers, so i could gather a group together to make short films, i did get responses but as of today only one, with the exception of a fella living in the midlands, seems passionate enough to reply to messages sent out, so on Tuesday or Wednesday of the coming week i shall meet this guy, Steven.

The ultimate goal is to be a self sufficient film maker, making a living making films, short and or feature, although I'm not sure there's money to be made in short films, could this be a new beginning for me, or like most of my plans will it flounder..?

Over the last few years its become clear that i can't work for other people, or large companies, my rebellious nature courses me to speak out, managers don't like that, they want you to just say "YES" and then bend over while they fuck you in the arse, i figure the only chance i have of a happy career doing anything would be if I'm in charge, and film making is something that i feel passionate about, i know i can write, i know i can direct, all i need is a crew i can work with, and who won't be afraid to tell me the truth, i don't want yes-men.

All i need to do is write more often, I've read countless times that i should set aside time everyday to write, something like 1 hour, although i think right now, 1 hour is to much time, I'm thinking more like 20 to 30 minutes, that time, once i get into my stride, will increase to well over an hour, but i just need to get into the habit of writing everyday, oh yea, i have noticed in the past that i can't write consistently over long periods, it always starts off great, lots of detail then after awhile i start to write almost in short hand, everything becomes brief, i need to find that limit and stop there for the day, that's like my writers wall.

I shall endeavor to write and pursue my dream of film making, weather my family think I'm wasting my time or not.

See you in Theaters soon.

I have Nothing

I sometimes wonder, what’s the point of anything.

There’s a lot I “what” to do with my life, but I know that I’m to fucking lazy to do it, If I wrote like a pro when I started writing scripts I could have 15 – 20 finished ready to shot scripts by now, sure, some might be complete crap, and like Rodriguez says “everybody has at least 12 bad scripts in them” by that count I could have about 8 decent ones, hell I could be making these scripts into movies, low budget sure but films never the less, I could be attending film festivals all over the world, but no, I’m to fucking lazy to sit my ass down a write, I have better things to do, like watching television, or chatting with people on line, people I’ve never met, more on that later, I’ve bought books to help me become a better writer and to better understand the format, and the archetypes intrinsically associated with stories, old and new, I believe I can do a good job, I know what makes a good story and good characters and can plan out an outline write a treatment and set out the script scene by scene using cards, but I just can’t seem to focus long enough to finish a script.

I like to think of myself as a good writer, but I can’t even write more about this and how I feel about all this then one small paragraph.

Online shit.

The first was a girl from Knightsbridge, a few years younger then me, a little over one year ago I met her on Facebook, at first we used the, at the time new, Instant Messaging service, we chatted a lot, then exchanged numbers, we only talked twice on the phone before we met in Charing Cross, we had a drink in Soho then moved to one of her favourite bar on the river, then back to her place, we didn’t have sex the first night because she didn’t want me to think she was the type of person to fuck on a first date, we did that the week after, sure I liked her but we just didn’t connect, we were to different we ended if mutually and things were ok, we talked for a time but now, nothing.

The next was an American girl from Spokane Washington, we got on great, or so I thought, we made videos on vloggerheads for each other, I guess it was the accent, things slowed down quickly and she drifted away. I hear she’s engaged now.

The third, another American girl, this time from Pennsylvania, a nice girl, to bent on how she looks, she thought she looked ugly, she wasn’t, I think it was because of her old man, she spent her whole life being told that she is stupid ugly and fat, bastard, we spoke online for a long time, from Oct to Dec 08 then it kinda broke off, we started again about mid way through Jan, she said that I just forgot about her, truth is, maybe I did, I had just started working again and I guess I did forget her, but then she didn’t make an effort to contact me either, but after we started talking again thing would, every couple of weeks or so get bad, we’d “fight” and make up a few days later, or even the next day, we’d talk on line using Skype almost every day, its was, at the best of times Great and other time really bad, it ended when I didn’t see a blog and defend her against another girl on the site who liked to tease her, she unfriended me on all the accounts we shared and deleted me as a contact on Skype, she wouldn’t even talk to me about it, this happened on April 15 09, as it is, we talk now but only when our paths cross, either in the VH chat room or on Chatterheads.

Next was another American girl, this one from Chicago, it didn’t really happen, she kinda crushed on me, again I think it was the accent, but I didn’t want it to go anywhere, I would of liked to but I was “with” the girl in the previous paragraph, anyway, we’re friends now, she’s a good girl and I would to keep that friendship.

The last was a girl from Scotland it started shortly after the last two, buy this point I didn’t want any more “online” relationships, friends is good but nothing more then that, things got away from me and before I knew it she became the fifth, the only difference really, besides the fact she lived in the same country, kinda, was that I didn’t know what she looked like, I’d seen a picture but nothing else, she hadn’t put up any videos so I really had no idea what she looked like the pictures she sent me later on weren’t very good so I could never get a clear picture in my head of how she looked, I could never get a emotional lock on her and that made it easy to not talk or text her for days on end, she fancies me but I could never fancy her back, call me shallow but I like to know what a girl looks like before committing, hey I’m a man what the fuck do you expect, we text’d today and ended it, I have no real idea how so took.

So I sit alone, again, sometimes I fill like an asshole, that’s 5 girls in the space of 15 months, and if we know each other in person I have no doubt that I’d of had sexy with all of them, Knightsbridge I did, Spokane, Pennsylvania, Chicago, and Glasgow I think would of happened as well, Spokane and I had a sex pact, Pennsylvania masturbated while we chatted, Chicago was a nymphomaniac and Glasgow, im not exactly sure but I think if we knew each other personally we’d still be “together”.

Being alone is something I’m comfortable with, I’ve lived with it my whole life, I like it most of the time, earlier this year I saw a film called Into the Wild, a true story about a man called Christopher McCandless, who after he graduated from Emory Collage in 1990, cut up all his Identification cards, and the rest of his tuition money, $25.000 to charity, then packed what little he had and left, heading west without telling anybody, including his sister who was the only member of his family he actually cared about, material “things” didn’t mean much to Chris, when his parents offered to but him a new car if he got into Harvard law, he refused, mostly because all he really wanted from his parents was love, not things “I don’t need things”, I get the impression that this mother, more so then his father, was bothered more about how she looked to those around her and how peoples impressions of her son, Chris, reflected on her, until he disappeared, at this point I think Chris’s parents realise what they had and now what they have lost. I wish I had the balls to do what he did, I really do.

Modern Horror: a call for core values

Written by Matt Haigh,

Matt isolates the four things that urgently need fixing with modern day horror movies...

Published on Jul 16, 2009

Den of Geek

I have long been a fan of the horror genre across most mediums, from the brick-sized Stephen King paperbacks I absorbed as a teenager, to the films that fascinated and terrified me in equal measure as a child. Even though the mere sight of their covers in the video shop sent chills up my spine, I still badgered my mother to rent them, and so grew up on a diet of Critters, Gremlins, Salem's Lot, The Howling, Halloween, Misery, Nightmare On Elm Street, and a rather disturbing adult version of Little Red Riding Hood. There are all sorts of reasons people enjoy horror films that I won't go into here, but it's safe to say horror is a genre close to my heart.

That is, when it's done right. Because, when horror is done badly, it can be really, really bad. I'm not talking about those films which are so terrible they have a trashy quality that endears them to us, but more in the way of modern horror. Yes, having gritted my teeth and forced myself to watch a number of recent titles for Den of Geek, it's dawned on me that I really don't enjoy most modern horror films, for the following reasons.

Empty Characters

It's fair to say that in the majority of cases, character development has not played a big part in your average horror film. This has been the case for quite some years, with many of the cast serving no other purpose other than to show up and get killed. But what many film makers don't seem to grasp is the potential character building has in making their film truly great. After all, why should we care if somebody gets killed when they're presented to us as being an empty vessel?

To take a recent example, Hostel spent a good deal of time letting us get familiar with its central characters. Sure, they may not have been the most likeable bunch, but they were rounded people with good and bad qualities - the same as all humans. Thus, our emotional response to their torture and ultimate demise proved greater for the time we had invested in getting to know them.

My main gripe with a lot of modern horror is the way every man is presented as the typical muscle-bound jock, and every girl either has to be sexualised, or the freaky outcast. It's true cookie-cutter characterisation that just doesn't work.

MTV-Style Directing

This has to be one of my biggest problems with modern horror - the often schizophrenic approach to directing. My earliest memory of a film proving so damn difficult to watch without getting a headache was Thirteen Ghosts, and for some inconceivable reason it seems to have formed a template that nearly every subsequent wannabe Craven or Carpenter subscribes to.

I'm talking, of course, about the dreaded fast-cut, that manic switching of camera angles that, presumably, is supposed to build tension and come across as ‘edgy', but is simply irritating. There's no other way to describe it. It's almost as if film makers think we're incapable of watching the same frame for more than half a second without falling asleep. So, a word to any budding horror directors out there - it's okay to take things slowly. In fact, I'd argue that long, drawn-out frames and single shots probably crank up the tension in a way that a million fast-cuts could never dream of.

Misogyny

For anyone who's studied film, you'll be aware of the concept of ‘the male gaze', - the idea that most film makers, especially horror film makers, are male, and as such whatever we view is going to be through the eyes of a male perspective. This is no bad thing in itself, except that it usually means a lack of variety, and the same old ideas being used time and again.

For instance, why is it always a girl that needs saving? Why is it nearly always one male and one female character left surviving at the end of the film? Why is everybody heterosexual, and if there are characters of differing sexualities, must they always be cheerleading lesbians? Some film makers are willing to take risks, however.

Neil Marshall bucked the trend with the brilliant The Descent in 2005, which featured an all female cast. As well as being an excellent, innovative film, his choice of casting led to an extremely fresh feeling, that for once we were seeing events unfold through the eyes of somebody other than the traditional white, straight male. In fact, when you consider that, according to the IMDb, Silent Hill was refused at first on the basis that all the characters were female, it's quite an achievement that Marshall's vision made it to the big screen at all.

Torture

It kicked off, to my mind, with the Saw franchise and then Hostel, and was quickly adopted as horror's flavour of the decade. It may have been popular for a while, but surely at this point every moviegoer has witnessed just about every method there is for disembowelling, decapitating, garrotting, torching, slicing and sawing a human body there is? It took me quite a while of watching ‘torture porn' before I realized just how sick and tired of it I was, and - more importantly - that it just wasn't enjoyable to watch.

When I think about the horror films I've truly enjoyed watching over the years - An American Werewolf In London, Silent Hill, The Silence Of The Lambs, Cloverfield, Dog Soldiers, The Descent, Black Christmas, Stephen King's IT, Fright Night and The Fog to name a few - yes, they've been dark, scary and quite vicious in parts, but they've also had strong stories, good characters and, above all, heart. They've all retained a core of humanity.

What I feel about the torture porn phenomenon is the utter coldness of mankind, the total lack of feeling. I'm not talking purely about the films themselves, because, of course, a film about people being tortured isn't going to be pleasant, but I get a sense that they originate from a very cynical, cold, compassionless place, that the people making these films are just out to make a quick buck and don't really care about bringing anything worthwhile to cinema.

In conclusion, this isn't a ‘ban everything I don't like' article, but rather a call for some of the stock values of horror film making to make a return. I'm actually really excited about the remake of The Wolf Man, because, aside from Cloverfield, I can't remember the last time there was a good old-fashioned monster movie showing in cinemas. Recently I've been engrossed in a lot of Hammer Horror films, and the difference in quality between those and today's offerings is striking. Okay, so the special effects weren't great back then, but somehow a stronger atmosphere is created in those films than anything that's graced cinema screens in the past few years.

In films such as The Reptile, Plague Of The Zombies, Scream Of Fear, The Nanny and House Of Blood, we can smell those foggy streets, taste that salty coastline air, hear the creak of those floorboards and feel menace chase us down darkened alleyways.

Very little in modern horror's canon has made an impact on me, but I've been genuinely scared or at least a little disturbed watching some of the better films in the Hammer Horror family. And, most of all, I've truly relished every minute of watching them.

So, what horror films do you believe excel in characterisation, atmosphere and storytelling? Are there any modern horror film gems out there that I might've missed or haven't talked about here? Add them to the comments below...

Letter of Resignation...

To Whom it may concern

Having worked with Burberry for the last 6 months i have come to realize two things, that commuting and Security are not for me.

I know it sounds a bit asinine of me, but i feel the need to at least enjoy what I'm doing in work and in life and i don't enjoy this, weather it be the travel to work or the travel home on Sunday mornings, either way, i realize now that commuting sometimes brings out the worst in me, or it could simply be the fact that i've been working with T-Class for the last month or so, i may as well be working on my own, and thats another thing, i feel like, even when Charles was here, that I'm working on my own, its not Charles's fault, not at all, and i wasn't the least surprised when i read the email about his leaving, its not that he had already told me he was going to leave, he didn't say anything about it, well not to me at least, i just recognized in myself that if i had another job to go to, preferably one where i don't need to commute, I too would leave even if it meant a drop in pay, all i want is to be content.

It's not Burberry, its not Burberry staff or APP (LPO) staff, I just think that security, lets not kid ourselves here, you can call us Loss Prevention or Asset & Property Protection all you like, were Security Guards plan and simple a fancy name will never change that, is not what I'm supposed to be doing with my life, the greatest treasure in the work place is to find a job we enjoy, a friend of mine once said to me that Humanity is inherently unhappy with its current situation, i tried to defend Humanity by saying that that statement was rubbish, but i have come to accept it as just one unhappy truth about who we are, the one thing you can count on in life is that, no matter how much you love your job, and your family, you will always complain about something, I'm not sure that inherently unhappy is the true statement however i just think we are eternally unsatisfied with what we have, this could mean material things, friends or family even relationships personal and professional, no matter what we have, we always want more, there is no such thing as the Man who has everything, because he will always want more, its ingrained into us as a species, Humanity is greedy and we use our greed to get another thing we desire, power, in the work place its easy to spot, once someone gets the title of manager there attitude towards the people under them will change, this is the human race, the human condition, this is US.

What do i think we need to do, another friend of mine told me this, he said that he tries to change his job every four years or so, he still works in the same industry, but the location and people change, this i feel is a good idea, but then, why not change everything, we should be able to change jobs, homes and even countries, this change will give us a wider spectrum of experiences, cultural differences, language and maybe find a nice place to retire when were done, I've lived in the same house my whole life, in the same room for most of that, i very rarely live the country on holidays, my expired ten year passport has four stamps on it, but with the population expanding as it is changing jobs isn't as easy as it has been in the past, we find ourselves stuck in one place for to long then we become comfortable where we are.

We are after all the sum of our experiences, experiencing the same thing day after day, month after month, year in year out, we are stagnating as a species, once we had freedom to experience the world, but due to greed we cannot, i would like to travel, see and experience things that i never thought i would, countries, people, cultures, but due to credit cards and poor earnings i cannot, and why do i have these problems, because i am greedy, and greed with a credit card is never a good combination, i pay into it every month, but i don't pay enough to clear the late fee's, the over the limit fee's and the interest, again these fee's and the interest stem from greed, greed on the part of the banks, or more accurately the Bank of England, for rising interest rates to make sure the economy grow stronger, bastards, i pay what i can afford, but maybe i should pay more then i can afford to at least get it below the limit, and maybe poverty will inspire me.

Anyway, I have rambled or ranted for far to long, i guess this is my attempt at a philosophical way of doing something as simple as 'handing in my notice'.

My last day will be a week from now, which means i'll be working next weekend and then that will be it, unless you would like me to leave sooner, if so, please call me or send me an email to let me know.

Regards

Jay

The above is a letter i wrote a few days ago when i was trying to write my letter of resignation, it kinda got outta hand, i decided not to give it in or quit my job, just yet, i may do however if i change my mind.

New models for CGI project

While at work on Saturday night i decided to give my old CGI project a second go, but instead of using the bought models i have, i decided to build them myself, below are the basic models that i will use in the tests and the pre-vis.

I still have a ton of modeling to do, and its just going to get harder, but then these only took a few hours to get the way i wanted.

421-S, wire frame

Wings of the Phoenix

421-S render

And below the up-grade to the 421-S

Phoenix-1, wire frame

Phoenix-1, render

Like i said i still have tons of stuff to do on this project, will keep you posted.

Also, in order to get over 300 objects on screen at the same time, i'll need to render maybe 2-3 at a time, so 100-150 renders, per shot.

If all the tests go well, and i get to a Hi-Res (pre-vis) final video, the next step is a 1080p HD, fully textured version which will take much much longer to do, the rendering time right now is at 2-3 seconds per-frame, in the 1080p HD textured final version it'll be more like 1-3 hours pre-frame, and with 24 frames per-second this 6 minute 30 second video is gonna take a long time to finish.

6:30 minutes = 390 seconds = 9360 frames and between 9,360 to 28,080 hours in rendering time.

So 390 to 1,170 days to fully render the different shots, then begins the editing, compositing, finishing (filters and effects) then sound design, sound FX and musical score.

All in all, if i can get this to work, my current computer might not be able to handle the processing of all the CGI work.

Wish me luck.

Failure?

----------------------------Warning do not read-----------------------------

Three pages of bullshit, don't think its good enough to be posted, not sure anyone would really want to read more of this crap. You've been warned!

Hopes and dreams,

I have them, what are yours?

Mine is simple, to earn a living doing something i love, writing - film making

But i seem to be stuck in a job and an industry i can't stand, i keep telling myself that it will happen because if i don't, i'll go crazy thinking that this is it, what I'm doing now is where I'm going to be for the rest of my life, A Security Guard, it doesn't matter what you call it, Security Officer or Loss Prevention, its still the same damn thing.

Okay, so in the current climate i can't really go on about how much i hate this job because i'll just get people telling me that "you should just be thankful you have a job" and i am, but that still doesn't mean i can't complain about it,

So let me talk about what i would like to do and what I'm doing to get there and what i should be doing to get there,

Right so, i mentioned that i want to be a writer, mostly screenplays for film and television, i have ideas for movies, actually i have tons of ideas, so you'd think that i'd have tons of scripts laying around in doors collecting dust, well i have two, the first, which I'm not even going to name, is basically a remake of a French film that came out in 03 or 04 I'm not sure, but its rubbish, its so bad in fact that I'm not even going to try to save it by doing rewrites, partly because its a remake and i don't like remakes these days and secondly the main theme of the action is irritating to me now, back then i loved it but now its just to over done.

The second script is called Autumn, set in a London suburb a group of men are hired to steal technical information from a secure server, so they brake in to the building and steal it, they hand over the storage device and get paid, but during the "heist" a security guard is killed, and were not sure if it was an accident or not by one of the four guys, he gets paranoid and the trust in the group falls apart ending with death, I still like the story and i think its workable, maybe after some rewrites it'll be ready, maybe even good.

My taste these days is moving towards more drama then anything else, even in the Horror and Action films i have notes on, i try to give it more then just the genre stereotype.

My biggest problem,

Is that i seem to spend a lot of time not doing anything, i have the ideas, and have the ability to do it, and i love to write, i like planing out scenes in my head and dreaming up interesting characters, weaving there stories and plots with one and another to create conflicts so i can write more drama,

What kind of ideas do i have;

Well let me give you a brief run through of them,

I have a werewolf trilogy, which i also have ideas for a ten part history, basically ten 10 minutes webisodes detailing the main characters journey to the point he enters the first film,

Passion quadrilogy, it started out as 4 films but might became 3, A Passion for Violence was my second big idea for an action film,

Purgatory, still not much on this, but a nice wholesome couple are brutally beaten and while she is put into a coma he dies, but is given the opportunity for revenge, but he has to find 13 people and kill them, okay 13 demons,

Back then action and adventure were all i could think about,

Then came the Samurai Trilogy, which is most likely not going to get written, i had a vision of a hugh battle sequence with Samurai's

Then my World War 2 films, the first Bismarck, based on the events in the north atlantic, second Mayne, Blair Paddy Maine was a member of the original S.A.S. and i wanted to write a film depicting this war hero in action, Third Battle of Britain or anything i could on an epic fighter plane battle, i just wanted Spitfires in a movie, forth Chariot the greatest raid of all, the british marines raid on St Nazaire in France which was the only harbor port big enough for the German destroyer that was sinking supply ships heading to the UK from America, that would of been a good one,

Now what have i done to help me accomplish all this, well i've brought books on the subjects and will make sure i get the facts strait for the war movies.

But one thing keeps standing in my way, I'm a lazy git and mostly sit around not doing much of anything, i hate my job (sorry) and spend most of my time there asleep waiting for my shift to end, i could spend this time planning out scenes or reading those books or even writing a scene, but no, i sit, i doze off and waste all the free time i have, i sit in front of my computer at home and stare at the Vloggerheads screen, i chat in the chat rooms, the VH one Tokbox and Stickam i also chat in Skype with text and video, but i don't write much there,

What i need to do is spend 3 hours a day writing, weather its at home or at work, i should at least spend that time writing, i could write up some notes about old ideas, i could finish that script I'm working on, i could write the next or in the current case finish the next Doors of my Subconscious Blog, but no, i sit and waste time,

Films, i could band together a group of like minded people in my area and make short films for Youtube, and maybe send them to film festivals then we would gain valuable experience and then maybe pick up the Autumn script blow off the dust and make it, a feature film, i know how, i know how to do this i know i do, i know i have it in me to do all this, but when your parents and most of your family and friends, either tell you that your wasting your time and to forget about it, to go get a proper job or they tell you that it won't work so way bother you'll never make it, epic words of encouragement thanks guys.

I get more forward thinking and encouraging things said from people i've never meet some i've never seen, they ask, no they pester me for my next blog because they enjoyed reading the last two.

So i guess i owe it to them to reach my goal, to be a writer and or film maker.

Or

I could just forget it all and work as a security guard the rest of my life, man i hate my life right now, i mean, what would happen if i just vanished, would anybody really care, the people on Vloggerheads would just forget me in a month or so, not to sure my Mother would give a shit, she'd just miss the rent money,my Dad most likely wouldn't even notice that i was gone and my sister, would just sit there saying "where's Jason" to which the answer would be "don't know".

Fact is, i've never really been that close to my family. I fell no sense of obligation towards them no sense of unconditional love, they are just the people i live with.

As i write this i feel an overwhelming sense of worthlessness like security is all i'm good for, am i better then this, am i really, maybe this is it, my life has peaked already, and the high point was getting my black belt when i was 12, 19 years ago, maybe i can't be a writer because i can't get motivated to do it over long periods of time, i'll write for weeks then stop for months, actually i'm finding it hard to write this piece of art,

I try to stay happy for the people that watch my video's and read my blogs, twisted as they are, but really, honestly, i'm pretty fucking miserable most of the time, i put on a smile and try to enjoy myself in front of you guys but once the camera is off, it comes back, i hate my life, i wouldn't say I'm depressed, more unhappy or unsatisfied with everything. Of course i'm the only person who can change the direct my life takes but i'm just to fucking lazy, like i said up there i spend all my free time doing fuck all and i'm starting to get fucking sick of it, sick of everything.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - I FUCKING HATE MY LIFE - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

You say you'll miss me, but for how long, once you laugh at another funny video you'll forget i'm gone, she'll wonder why i ain't talking to her and just find another to talk to, i'm easy to forget, don't think about me, don't worry about me, don't care about me, because in all honesty, after a few months away from everything i wouldn't think twice about Vloggerheads, my friends, my family.

I've never cared about staying in touch with people, and i've never been home sick, my "i couldn't give a shit" attitude is coming back and it can't see the point of anything i currently do, blogging, vlogging, chatting in text or video, it all seems a little sad right now, we call each other friends, but we hardly know each other, i mean for fuck sake i don't know some of your real names, i have such strong feeling for someone on vloggerheads, but i'm never going to see her for real, and even if i could what then, we fall romantically in love and elope, i mean COME on people, i feel like such a fucking prick, if i could die tomorrow i'd be pissed off that i had to wait so long.

Regards

The Failure

~Jay~

Sitting bored at work watching 'Into the Wild' a biopic about Christopher Johnson Mechandles (aka Alexander Supertramp) and i'm wondering..........

Supertramp

I'm sitting here, staring blankly at my monitor,

I have a story floating about my head, but i can't seem to get the words out, I know what the story is about and i know the out come, its just a silly little fantasy adventure about Kebab's and the frozen wastes of north london, with a final battle against the kebab demon,

I'm even having trouble writing this blog, i guess i've just been thinking about the story of my life, and the repetitive nature of it, and that sometimes i just want to end the paradox, not by suicide, but by selling everything i own, and i mean everything except one of my cameras and maybe even buying a new Macbook so every now and then i can up-load videos and photos so people who care if they can find me have at least some clue as to what i'm doing, then disappearing, not telling anyone where or why, just one day there i am and the next, i don't exist, off the grid so to speak, taking jobs when ever i need money, traveling the world, and sometimes when i think about this i drop my real name altogether make up a new one, the prospect of a fake passport has occurred to me, just so i can cross boarders when i need to, should i even carry papers that prove I'm a British citizen? incase trouble arises or is that a cop out,

Africa,

India,

Southeast Asia,

Mongolia,

China,

Australia,

New Zealand,

South America,

North America,

Of course i'd up-load the videos and photos once i've either left the area or country that i took them, or when i get a chance to reconnect to the world.

Creating new accounts and using a new email address so my name and past life can be forgotten, in the hope that i can start over, find my true nature, find out what kind of human i am, when faced with the hunger, poverty that is so prevalent in Africa would i turn my back because i just can't be bothered to help, or would i stay as long as i can until i feel like i've made a difference,

Would i just walk through these countries taking photos and recording lots of video like a tourist, would i stay in hotels or sleep rough, would i buy food or learn to hunt, could i learn to survive on my own learning the "tricks of the trade" from the people i meet, learning about their cultures and history as i go, not to mention the languages i would hear, and would that be such a problem, would i find humanity in every culture, every man, woman and child that i come across.

Been writing this blog for over an hour now.

The big question for me is, would i find a purpose. Or would i need to go on a vision quest for that ?

Its just the thought of continuing this paradox, its not very appealing to me, but then is it appealing to anyone? to live a life of minor differences day to day.

Regards

Fill in the blank

~_______~

A Bi-polar drunk

I love a drink every now and then, who doesn't right.

And most of the time i'm a happy kinda drunk, i just kind of flow with what ever is going on, birthdays (as long as it ain't mine) weddings funerals Bar B Q's any occasion that lets you drink lots of booze around people who are also drinking lots of booze, and lets face it we can use anything, any occasion even leaving work on a friday night.

Now before i continue i have to iterate that i am a light weight, after just one pint of beer i can feel my eye brows get heavy, and five is about my limit, anymore and i'll be on the floor under a table laying in a puddle of my own vomit, yea pretty picture.

Most of the time i'm a happy/silly drunk, and just set out to enjoy myself and have fun, using my drunkenness as an excuse to get away with idiocy, it works most of the time, i think i get that from my old man, who spends most of his time trying to dance like Elvis to pretty much anything, he could dance Elvis style to hip hop, it ain't good, trust me, but the point is that he enjoys himself.

Another thing i get from my old man is that sometimes i flip quickly from being happy to either extremely violent or emotionally depressive and self deprecating.

The violent side is very illogical and irrational sparking out bursts of abuse and fist throwing, but a catalyst is needed.

As is the emotional side, it just kind of happens, no build up and there usually isn't any way to stop it, my emotional state is like lighting thermite or starting a nuclear reaction, a chain reaction that snow balls out of control, out of my control, i say and do things that i later regret, once i wake up of course.

Well i had an emo moment last night/this morning after drinking about 9 or 10 bottles of Carlsberg Export while chatting to a chick i happen to really like, but she never opens up and to be honest its was starting to get a little tiresome.

She's not great at taking complements, so when i do pay her some, she calls me a crackhead for saying so, and lately most of our "chats", which always start off so well, using video for a few hours, then she tells me that she's going off camera, and that we can continue our chat with IM, needless to say responses take a long time to come back.

Every now and then she gets depressed, so i ask,"What's up" and the responses i usually get are "Meh" or "You wouldn't understand". Its not about the understanding, sometimes it just helps to get it out, to tell someone. Or give me the back ground and help me understand.

Well that was my catalyst, and the reason i wrote my last blog.

I decided to stop going to all the social networking sites that i use, sites that are designed for human interaction just to detox from it all, although i'm not to sure about when I'm going back on to them, if at all, i mentioned Youtube in my last blog, which isn't a social networking site, so i will use it, but its unlikely that i'll respond to any comments or even make comments, i'll just watch my Subs and be done with it.

Regards

Whatever.

~Jay~

Get me outta this FUCKING hell hole.

Now way back when i moves out of my parents house and i was so happy to be free, of course back then i liked my parents and the family that surrounded me,

But, because i wasn't earning enough money and was struggling to get by, they told me to move back in with them, so i got my old room back,

Well, i'm still here, and I'm 31 years old, yea sad i know.

I think this dislike of my family stems from the fact that i'm around them every day, because at times when i don't see them very often, i can tolerate them.

When i was 17 my mother asked me if i wanted a dog, because the family across the street had 4 7 week old pups, we got the last one and the only bitch of the letter,

I bought her home and from then on she became a point of argument between me and everybody else, according to "the family" she is the family dog, unless she needs a walk, to be feed, to be brushed, to be washed or taken to the vet, at which point she is "your fucking dog", besides i was the only person in the family who ever took her out for walks or any kind of excise for that matter.

Any way, my sister got her own place and my mother had a great idea, that because myself my Dad and my Mother worked full-time and my sister was raising two twins, she figured that it would be better for Misty (my name) to stay with her, honestly i still think it was just an excuse to get rid of Misty, my mother actually used Misty as a source fo threat, "if you don't do it i'll get rid of her" etc, she even threatened to give her away (which she did to our previous dog Tina a Border Collie, who belonged to my Nan) or have her put down, my mother is a bitch.

So my dog goes to live with my sister, I'm not to happy about this, my parents love the idea and my sister couldn't really care, i didn't speak to them for awhile.

But still the ridiculousness of the situation continues, every time Misty needed a wash she'd be bought back so i could do it, and when i asked "why can't you give her a wash" my sister would simply say "she's your dog", so she's bought back to me just to give her a wash, now where's the logic in that, what's more, neither my sister or her kids (who sit around all day playing video games, there 13 now) don't walk her either, my sister thinks that putting her in the garden is good enough, this garden ain't very big, i think my sister thinks that people only walk they're dogs so they can piss and shit, thats it.

My dog is a Black Labrador Pedigree, which means she's going to have medical problems, and her back legs will start to get weak, but if you walk a dog regularly and keep her body and her legs fit it will slow down the inevitable, also her nails are way to long, another side effect of not going out for walks, it can't be to comfortable for her, all she does is lay down, when she does come here, my parents constantly scream at her to lay down, because of the noise her nails make on the cheap wood floor and at my sisters it ain't much better.

I don't know what it is but i'm not entirely sure my family understand the fact that Misty can't understand english, they talk or rather shout at her like a small child, i have to keep reminding them, yes i've told them many many times, that she doesn't understand english, they even end it with "stupid dog" then because i have trained her i snap my figures and nod my head towards the stairs and say "down stairs" Misty then looks at me and turns towards the stairs and walks down, no shouting no screaming necessary,

I'm constantly told by my sister that Misty's back legs are going,that sometimes she can barely stand and eat her food,

Most years my family go on a holiday to the Canary Islands and i stay at home, Misty is bought back to stay with me, so for the two weeks they are away i book a holiday from work, i have the place to myself, lovely, every day i'd get up, have a wash, have breakfast and then take Misty out for a long walk through the local woods, its like an hour or something, i walk real slow so she can run about chasing birds and squirrels, she'd loved it, but now she can't do that, the walk to the woods is bad enough, but the time we get home she's barely moving, and will be panting for hours, later that day i took her for a walk around the block, it was cooler and she was fine with that, the next day i took her on a very slow walk to a shop about a mile and a half away, well, she made it back home just fine and her nails had worn down some, so for the next two weeks i took her out twice a day, a long hour long walk in the morning and a quick run around the block in the evening, on the last day, her nails were really waring down and her fitness was much better, she was barely panting after the morning walks, but i knew that later on she'd be going back to my sisters place,

My parents would arrive home and my dad would just gather up all Misty's stuff, food, bowl, bed and toys 'N' stuff then take her home, my sister of course was with us,

This is a story that has been pissing me off for years, my mother sent Misty to my sisters place so she wouldn't have to stay in an empty house on her own all day while we were at work, ok i get the logic there, but then why does my sister spend more time here then at home, she still has a fucking bedroom here, a bedroom for her stuff when she stays here, she doesn't even live here anymore for fuck sake, so MY dog sits in an empty house all day, or she's let out into the garden in the morning and somebody will drive up there to let her in and feed her in the evening then come home and leave her on her own again,

This whole situation pisses me off, but when i say something, like "its not fair leaving her on her own al day" i get a "she's fine" or if a make a comment about why her back legs are so fucked like "there weak because you don't take her out for walks" i get a "she's your dog" which makes no sense to me, and then i'm the bad guy, i then get an ear full from all corners, my mother my sister, and my dad just sits in the corner saying nothing as usual,

My sister, I barely tolerate.

My Dad, I barley tolerate, and at times i fucking hate.

My Mother, Is the bane of my existents, if i mention money we argue, if i mention Misty (my dog) we argue.

I've often sat in the dark at night while my parents are sleeping and actually planed out they're death in my head, a simple, brutal murder, and with each stab or slash i feel just that little bit better, then i move to my sister and her kids.

This is why i need to get out of this place, i can't stand it anymore.

Once i do get out, i'm going to get another dog (Misty isn't likely to last the year) and this dog will have more rights in my home then my family, period.