I have Nothing

I sometimes wonder, what’s the point of anything.

There’s a lot I “what” to do with my life, but I know that I’m to fucking lazy to do it, If I wrote like a pro when I started writing scripts I could have 15 – 20 finished ready to shot scripts by now, sure, some might be complete crap, and like Rodriguez says “everybody has at least 12 bad scripts in them” by that count I could have about 8 decent ones, hell I could be making these scripts into movies, low budget sure but films never the less, I could be attending film festivals all over the world, but no, I’m to fucking lazy to sit my ass down a write, I have better things to do, like watching television, or chatting with people on line, people I’ve never met, more on that later, I’ve bought books to help me become a better writer and to better understand the format, and the archetypes intrinsically associated with stories, old and new, I believe I can do a good job, I know what makes a good story and good characters and can plan out an outline write a treatment and set out the script scene by scene using cards, but I just can’t seem to focus long enough to finish a script.

I like to think of myself as a good writer, but I can’t even write more about this and how I feel about all this then one small paragraph.

Online shit.

The first was a girl from Knightsbridge, a few years younger then me, a little over one year ago I met her on Facebook, at first we used the, at the time new, Instant Messaging service, we chatted a lot, then exchanged numbers, we only talked twice on the phone before we met in Charing Cross, we had a drink in Soho then moved to one of her favourite bar on the river, then back to her place, we didn’t have sex the first night because she didn’t want me to think she was the type of person to fuck on a first date, we did that the week after, sure I liked her but we just didn’t connect, we were to different we ended if mutually and things were ok, we talked for a time but now, nothing.

The next was an American girl from Spokane Washington, we got on great, or so I thought, we made videos on vloggerheads for each other, I guess it was the accent, things slowed down quickly and she drifted away. I hear she’s engaged now.

The third, another American girl, this time from Pennsylvania, a nice girl, to bent on how she looks, she thought she looked ugly, she wasn’t, I think it was because of her old man, she spent her whole life being told that she is stupid ugly and fat, bastard, we spoke online for a long time, from Oct to Dec 08 then it kinda broke off, we started again about mid way through Jan, she said that I just forgot about her, truth is, maybe I did, I had just started working again and I guess I did forget her, but then she didn’t make an effort to contact me either, but after we started talking again thing would, every couple of weeks or so get bad, we’d “fight” and make up a few days later, or even the next day, we’d talk on line using Skype almost every day, its was, at the best of times Great and other time really bad, it ended when I didn’t see a blog and defend her against another girl on the site who liked to tease her, she unfriended me on all the accounts we shared and deleted me as a contact on Skype, she wouldn’t even talk to me about it, this happened on April 15 09, as it is, we talk now but only when our paths cross, either in the VH chat room or on Chatterheads.

Next was another American girl, this one from Chicago, it didn’t really happen, she kinda crushed on me, again I think it was the accent, but I didn’t want it to go anywhere, I would of liked to but I was “with” the girl in the previous paragraph, anyway, we’re friends now, she’s a good girl and I would to keep that friendship.

The last was a girl from Scotland it started shortly after the last two, buy this point I didn’t want any more “online” relationships, friends is good but nothing more then that, things got away from me and before I knew it she became the fifth, the only difference really, besides the fact she lived in the same country, kinda, was that I didn’t know what she looked like, I’d seen a picture but nothing else, she hadn’t put up any videos so I really had no idea what she looked like the pictures she sent me later on weren’t very good so I could never get a clear picture in my head of how she looked, I could never get a emotional lock on her and that made it easy to not talk or text her for days on end, she fancies me but I could never fancy her back, call me shallow but I like to know what a girl looks like before committing, hey I’m a man what the fuck do you expect, we text’d today and ended it, I have no real idea how so took.

So I sit alone, again, sometimes I fill like an asshole, that’s 5 girls in the space of 15 months, and if we know each other in person I have no doubt that I’d of had sexy with all of them, Knightsbridge I did, Spokane, Pennsylvania, Chicago, and Glasgow I think would of happened as well, Spokane and I had a sex pact, Pennsylvania masturbated while we chatted, Chicago was a nymphomaniac and Glasgow, im not exactly sure but I think if we knew each other personally we’d still be “together”.

Being alone is something I’m comfortable with, I’ve lived with it my whole life, I like it most of the time, earlier this year I saw a film called Into the Wild, a true story about a man called Christopher McCandless, who after he graduated from Emory Collage in 1990, cut up all his Identification cards, and the rest of his tuition money, $25.000 to charity, then packed what little he had and left, heading west without telling anybody, including his sister who was the only member of his family he actually cared about, material “things” didn’t mean much to Chris, when his parents offered to but him a new car if he got into Harvard law, he refused, mostly because all he really wanted from his parents was love, not things “I don’t need things”, I get the impression that this mother, more so then his father, was bothered more about how she looked to those around her and how peoples impressions of her son, Chris, reflected on her, until he disappeared, at this point I think Chris’s parents realise what they had and now what they have lost. I wish I had the balls to do what he did, I really do.