I have Nothing

I sometimes wonder, what’s the point of anything.

There’s a lot I “what” to do with my life, but I know that I’m to fucking lazy to do it, If I wrote like a pro when I started writing scripts I could have 15 – 20 finished ready to shot scripts by now, sure, some might be complete crap, and like Rodriguez says “everybody has at least 12 bad scripts in them” by that count I could have about 8 decent ones, hell I could be making these scripts into movies, low budget sure but films never the less, I could be attending film festivals all over the world, but no, I’m to fucking lazy to sit my ass down a write, I have better things to do, like watching television, or chatting with people on line, people I’ve never met, more on that later, I’ve bought books to help me become a better writer and to better understand the format, and the archetypes intrinsically associated with stories, old and new, I believe I can do a good job, I know what makes a good story and good characters and can plan out an outline write a treatment and set out the script scene by scene using cards, but I just can’t seem to focus long enough to finish a script.

I like to think of myself as a good writer, but I can’t even write more about this and how I feel about all this then one small paragraph.

Online shit.

The first was a girl from Knightsbridge, a few years younger then me, a little over one year ago I met her on Facebook, at first we used the, at the time new, Instant Messaging service, we chatted a lot, then exchanged numbers, we only talked twice on the phone before we met in Charing Cross, we had a drink in Soho then moved to one of her favourite bar on the river, then back to her place, we didn’t have sex the first night because she didn’t want me to think she was the type of person to fuck on a first date, we did that the week after, sure I liked her but we just didn’t connect, we were to different we ended if mutually and things were ok, we talked for a time but now, nothing.

The next was an American girl from Spokane Washington, we got on great, or so I thought, we made videos on vloggerheads for each other, I guess it was the accent, things slowed down quickly and she drifted away. I hear she’s engaged now.

The third, another American girl, this time from Pennsylvania, a nice girl, to bent on how she looks, she thought she looked ugly, she wasn’t, I think it was because of her old man, she spent her whole life being told that she is stupid ugly and fat, bastard, we spoke online for a long time, from Oct to Dec 08 then it kinda broke off, we started again about mid way through Jan, she said that I just forgot about her, truth is, maybe I did, I had just started working again and I guess I did forget her, but then she didn’t make an effort to contact me either, but after we started talking again thing would, every couple of weeks or so get bad, we’d “fight” and make up a few days later, or even the next day, we’d talk on line using Skype almost every day, its was, at the best of times Great and other time really bad, it ended when I didn’t see a blog and defend her against another girl on the site who liked to tease her, she unfriended me on all the accounts we shared and deleted me as a contact on Skype, she wouldn’t even talk to me about it, this happened on April 15 09, as it is, we talk now but only when our paths cross, either in the VH chat room or on Chatterheads.

Next was another American girl, this one from Chicago, it didn’t really happen, she kinda crushed on me, again I think it was the accent, but I didn’t want it to go anywhere, I would of liked to but I was “with” the girl in the previous paragraph, anyway, we’re friends now, she’s a good girl and I would to keep that friendship.

The last was a girl from Scotland it started shortly after the last two, buy this point I didn’t want any more “online” relationships, friends is good but nothing more then that, things got away from me and before I knew it she became the fifth, the only difference really, besides the fact she lived in the same country, kinda, was that I didn’t know what she looked like, I’d seen a picture but nothing else, she hadn’t put up any videos so I really had no idea what she looked like the pictures she sent me later on weren’t very good so I could never get a clear picture in my head of how she looked, I could never get a emotional lock on her and that made it easy to not talk or text her for days on end, she fancies me but I could never fancy her back, call me shallow but I like to know what a girl looks like before committing, hey I’m a man what the fuck do you expect, we text’d today and ended it, I have no real idea how so took.

So I sit alone, again, sometimes I fill like an asshole, that’s 5 girls in the space of 15 months, and if we know each other in person I have no doubt that I’d of had sexy with all of them, Knightsbridge I did, Spokane, Pennsylvania, Chicago, and Glasgow I think would of happened as well, Spokane and I had a sex pact, Pennsylvania masturbated while we chatted, Chicago was a nymphomaniac and Glasgow, im not exactly sure but I think if we knew each other personally we’d still be “together”.

Being alone is something I’m comfortable with, I’ve lived with it my whole life, I like it most of the time, earlier this year I saw a film called Into the Wild, a true story about a man called Christopher McCandless, who after he graduated from Emory Collage in 1990, cut up all his Identification cards, and the rest of his tuition money, $25.000 to charity, then packed what little he had and left, heading west without telling anybody, including his sister who was the only member of his family he actually cared about, material “things” didn’t mean much to Chris, when his parents offered to but him a new car if he got into Harvard law, he refused, mostly because all he really wanted from his parents was love, not things “I don’t need things”, I get the impression that this mother, more so then his father, was bothered more about how she looked to those around her and how peoples impressions of her son, Chris, reflected on her, until he disappeared, at this point I think Chris’s parents realise what they had and now what they have lost. I wish I had the balls to do what he did, I really do.

Modern Horror: a call for core values

Written by Matt Haigh,

Matt isolates the four things that urgently need fixing with modern day horror movies...

Published on Jul 16, 2009

Den of Geek

I have long been a fan of the horror genre across most mediums, from the brick-sized Stephen King paperbacks I absorbed as a teenager, to the films that fascinated and terrified me in equal measure as a child. Even though the mere sight of their covers in the video shop sent chills up my spine, I still badgered my mother to rent them, and so grew up on a diet of Critters, Gremlins, Salem's Lot, The Howling, Halloween, Misery, Nightmare On Elm Street, and a rather disturbing adult version of Little Red Riding Hood. There are all sorts of reasons people enjoy horror films that I won't go into here, but it's safe to say horror is a genre close to my heart.

That is, when it's done right. Because, when horror is done badly, it can be really, really bad. I'm not talking about those films which are so terrible they have a trashy quality that endears them to us, but more in the way of modern horror. Yes, having gritted my teeth and forced myself to watch a number of recent titles for Den of Geek, it's dawned on me that I really don't enjoy most modern horror films, for the following reasons.

Empty Characters

It's fair to say that in the majority of cases, character development has not played a big part in your average horror film. This has been the case for quite some years, with many of the cast serving no other purpose other than to show up and get killed. But what many film makers don't seem to grasp is the potential character building has in making their film truly great. After all, why should we care if somebody gets killed when they're presented to us as being an empty vessel?

To take a recent example, Hostel spent a good deal of time letting us get familiar with its central characters. Sure, they may not have been the most likeable bunch, but they were rounded people with good and bad qualities - the same as all humans. Thus, our emotional response to their torture and ultimate demise proved greater for the time we had invested in getting to know them.

My main gripe with a lot of modern horror is the way every man is presented as the typical muscle-bound jock, and every girl either has to be sexualised, or the freaky outcast. It's true cookie-cutter characterisation that just doesn't work.

MTV-Style Directing

This has to be one of my biggest problems with modern horror - the often schizophrenic approach to directing. My earliest memory of a film proving so damn difficult to watch without getting a headache was Thirteen Ghosts, and for some inconceivable reason it seems to have formed a template that nearly every subsequent wannabe Craven or Carpenter subscribes to.

I'm talking, of course, about the dreaded fast-cut, that manic switching of camera angles that, presumably, is supposed to build tension and come across as ‘edgy', but is simply irritating. There's no other way to describe it. It's almost as if film makers think we're incapable of watching the same frame for more than half a second without falling asleep. So, a word to any budding horror directors out there - it's okay to take things slowly. In fact, I'd argue that long, drawn-out frames and single shots probably crank up the tension in a way that a million fast-cuts could never dream of.

Misogyny

For anyone who's studied film, you'll be aware of the concept of ‘the male gaze', - the idea that most film makers, especially horror film makers, are male, and as such whatever we view is going to be through the eyes of a male perspective. This is no bad thing in itself, except that it usually means a lack of variety, and the same old ideas being used time and again.

For instance, why is it always a girl that needs saving? Why is it nearly always one male and one female character left surviving at the end of the film? Why is everybody heterosexual, and if there are characters of differing sexualities, must they always be cheerleading lesbians? Some film makers are willing to take risks, however.

Neil Marshall bucked the trend with the brilliant The Descent in 2005, which featured an all female cast. As well as being an excellent, innovative film, his choice of casting led to an extremely fresh feeling, that for once we were seeing events unfold through the eyes of somebody other than the traditional white, straight male. In fact, when you consider that, according to the IMDb, Silent Hill was refused at first on the basis that all the characters were female, it's quite an achievement that Marshall's vision made it to the big screen at all.

Torture

It kicked off, to my mind, with the Saw franchise and then Hostel, and was quickly adopted as horror's flavour of the decade. It may have been popular for a while, but surely at this point every moviegoer has witnessed just about every method there is for disembowelling, decapitating, garrotting, torching, slicing and sawing a human body there is? It took me quite a while of watching ‘torture porn' before I realized just how sick and tired of it I was, and - more importantly - that it just wasn't enjoyable to watch.

When I think about the horror films I've truly enjoyed watching over the years - An American Werewolf In London, Silent Hill, The Silence Of The Lambs, Cloverfield, Dog Soldiers, The Descent, Black Christmas, Stephen King's IT, Fright Night and The Fog to name a few - yes, they've been dark, scary and quite vicious in parts, but they've also had strong stories, good characters and, above all, heart. They've all retained a core of humanity.

What I feel about the torture porn phenomenon is the utter coldness of mankind, the total lack of feeling. I'm not talking purely about the films themselves, because, of course, a film about people being tortured isn't going to be pleasant, but I get a sense that they originate from a very cynical, cold, compassionless place, that the people making these films are just out to make a quick buck and don't really care about bringing anything worthwhile to cinema.

In conclusion, this isn't a ‘ban everything I don't like' article, but rather a call for some of the stock values of horror film making to make a return. I'm actually really excited about the remake of The Wolf Man, because, aside from Cloverfield, I can't remember the last time there was a good old-fashioned monster movie showing in cinemas. Recently I've been engrossed in a lot of Hammer Horror films, and the difference in quality between those and today's offerings is striking. Okay, so the special effects weren't great back then, but somehow a stronger atmosphere is created in those films than anything that's graced cinema screens in the past few years.

In films such as The Reptile, Plague Of The Zombies, Scream Of Fear, The Nanny and House Of Blood, we can smell those foggy streets, taste that salty coastline air, hear the creak of those floorboards and feel menace chase us down darkened alleyways.

Very little in modern horror's canon has made an impact on me, but I've been genuinely scared or at least a little disturbed watching some of the better films in the Hammer Horror family. And, most of all, I've truly relished every minute of watching them.

So, what horror films do you believe excel in characterisation, atmosphere and storytelling? Are there any modern horror film gems out there that I might've missed or haven't talked about here? Add them to the comments below...

Letter of Resignation...

To Whom it may concern

Having worked with Burberry for the last 6 months i have come to realize two things, that commuting and Security are not for me.

I know it sounds a bit asinine of me, but i feel the need to at least enjoy what I'm doing in work and in life and i don't enjoy this, weather it be the travel to work or the travel home on Sunday mornings, either way, i realize now that commuting sometimes brings out the worst in me, or it could simply be the fact that i've been working with T-Class for the last month or so, i may as well be working on my own, and thats another thing, i feel like, even when Charles was here, that I'm working on my own, its not Charles's fault, not at all, and i wasn't the least surprised when i read the email about his leaving, its not that he had already told me he was going to leave, he didn't say anything about it, well not to me at least, i just recognized in myself that if i had another job to go to, preferably one where i don't need to commute, I too would leave even if it meant a drop in pay, all i want is to be content.

It's not Burberry, its not Burberry staff or APP (LPO) staff, I just think that security, lets not kid ourselves here, you can call us Loss Prevention or Asset & Property Protection all you like, were Security Guards plan and simple a fancy name will never change that, is not what I'm supposed to be doing with my life, the greatest treasure in the work place is to find a job we enjoy, a friend of mine once said to me that Humanity is inherently unhappy with its current situation, i tried to defend Humanity by saying that that statement was rubbish, but i have come to accept it as just one unhappy truth about who we are, the one thing you can count on in life is that, no matter how much you love your job, and your family, you will always complain about something, I'm not sure that inherently unhappy is the true statement however i just think we are eternally unsatisfied with what we have, this could mean material things, friends or family even relationships personal and professional, no matter what we have, we always want more, there is no such thing as the Man who has everything, because he will always want more, its ingrained into us as a species, Humanity is greedy and we use our greed to get another thing we desire, power, in the work place its easy to spot, once someone gets the title of manager there attitude towards the people under them will change, this is the human race, the human condition, this is US.

What do i think we need to do, another friend of mine told me this, he said that he tries to change his job every four years or so, he still works in the same industry, but the location and people change, this i feel is a good idea, but then, why not change everything, we should be able to change jobs, homes and even countries, this change will give us a wider spectrum of experiences, cultural differences, language and maybe find a nice place to retire when were done, I've lived in the same house my whole life, in the same room for most of that, i very rarely live the country on holidays, my expired ten year passport has four stamps on it, but with the population expanding as it is changing jobs isn't as easy as it has been in the past, we find ourselves stuck in one place for to long then we become comfortable where we are.

We are after all the sum of our experiences, experiencing the same thing day after day, month after month, year in year out, we are stagnating as a species, once we had freedom to experience the world, but due to greed we cannot, i would like to travel, see and experience things that i never thought i would, countries, people, cultures, but due to credit cards and poor earnings i cannot, and why do i have these problems, because i am greedy, and greed with a credit card is never a good combination, i pay into it every month, but i don't pay enough to clear the late fee's, the over the limit fee's and the interest, again these fee's and the interest stem from greed, greed on the part of the banks, or more accurately the Bank of England, for rising interest rates to make sure the economy grow stronger, bastards, i pay what i can afford, but maybe i should pay more then i can afford to at least get it below the limit, and maybe poverty will inspire me.

Anyway, I have rambled or ranted for far to long, i guess this is my attempt at a philosophical way of doing something as simple as 'handing in my notice'.

My last day will be a week from now, which means i'll be working next weekend and then that will be it, unless you would like me to leave sooner, if so, please call me or send me an email to let me know.

Regards

Jay

The above is a letter i wrote a few days ago when i was trying to write my letter of resignation, it kinda got outta hand, i decided not to give it in or quit my job, just yet, i may do however if i change my mind.

New models for CGI project

While at work on Saturday night i decided to give my old CGI project a second go, but instead of using the bought models i have, i decided to build them myself, below are the basic models that i will use in the tests and the pre-vis.

I still have a ton of modeling to do, and its just going to get harder, but then these only took a few hours to get the way i wanted.

421-S, wire frame

Wings of the Phoenix

421-S render

And below the up-grade to the 421-S

Phoenix-1, wire frame

Phoenix-1, render

Like i said i still have tons of stuff to do on this project, will keep you posted.

Also, in order to get over 300 objects on screen at the same time, i'll need to render maybe 2-3 at a time, so 100-150 renders, per shot.

If all the tests go well, and i get to a Hi-Res (pre-vis) final video, the next step is a 1080p HD, fully textured version which will take much much longer to do, the rendering time right now is at 2-3 seconds per-frame, in the 1080p HD textured final version it'll be more like 1-3 hours pre-frame, and with 24 frames per-second this 6 minute 30 second video is gonna take a long time to finish.

6:30 minutes = 390 seconds = 9360 frames and between 9,360 to 28,080 hours in rendering time.

So 390 to 1,170 days to fully render the different shots, then begins the editing, compositing, finishing (filters and effects) then sound design, sound FX and musical score.

All in all, if i can get this to work, my current computer might not be able to handle the processing of all the CGI work.

Wish me luck.