Failure?

----------------------------Warning do not read-----------------------------

Three pages of bullshit, don't think its good enough to be posted, not sure anyone would really want to read more of this crap. You've been warned!

Hopes and dreams,

I have them, what are yours?

Mine is simple, to earn a living doing something i love, writing - film making

But i seem to be stuck in a job and an industry i can't stand, i keep telling myself that it will happen because if i don't, i'll go crazy thinking that this is it, what I'm doing now is where I'm going to be for the rest of my life, A Security Guard, it doesn't matter what you call it, Security Officer or Loss Prevention, its still the same damn thing.

Okay, so in the current climate i can't really go on about how much i hate this job because i'll just get people telling me that "you should just be thankful you have a job" and i am, but that still doesn't mean i can't complain about it,

So let me talk about what i would like to do and what I'm doing to get there and what i should be doing to get there,

Right so, i mentioned that i want to be a writer, mostly screenplays for film and television, i have ideas for movies, actually i have tons of ideas, so you'd think that i'd have tons of scripts laying around in doors collecting dust, well i have two, the first, which I'm not even going to name, is basically a remake of a French film that came out in 03 or 04 I'm not sure, but its rubbish, its so bad in fact that I'm not even going to try to save it by doing rewrites, partly because its a remake and i don't like remakes these days and secondly the main theme of the action is irritating to me now, back then i loved it but now its just to over done.

The second script is called Autumn, set in a London suburb a group of men are hired to steal technical information from a secure server, so they brake in to the building and steal it, they hand over the storage device and get paid, but during the "heist" a security guard is killed, and were not sure if it was an accident or not by one of the four guys, he gets paranoid and the trust in the group falls apart ending with death, I still like the story and i think its workable, maybe after some rewrites it'll be ready, maybe even good.

My taste these days is moving towards more drama then anything else, even in the Horror and Action films i have notes on, i try to give it more then just the genre stereotype.

My biggest problem,

Is that i seem to spend a lot of time not doing anything, i have the ideas, and have the ability to do it, and i love to write, i like planing out scenes in my head and dreaming up interesting characters, weaving there stories and plots with one and another to create conflicts so i can write more drama,

What kind of ideas do i have;

Well let me give you a brief run through of them,

I have a werewolf trilogy, which i also have ideas for a ten part history, basically ten 10 minutes webisodes detailing the main characters journey to the point he enters the first film,

Passion quadrilogy, it started out as 4 films but might became 3, A Passion for Violence was my second big idea for an action film,

Purgatory, still not much on this, but a nice wholesome couple are brutally beaten and while she is put into a coma he dies, but is given the opportunity for revenge, but he has to find 13 people and kill them, okay 13 demons,

Back then action and adventure were all i could think about,

Then came the Samurai Trilogy, which is most likely not going to get written, i had a vision of a hugh battle sequence with Samurai's

Then my World War 2 films, the first Bismarck, based on the events in the north atlantic, second Mayne, Blair Paddy Maine was a member of the original S.A.S. and i wanted to write a film depicting this war hero in action, Third Battle of Britain or anything i could on an epic fighter plane battle, i just wanted Spitfires in a movie, forth Chariot the greatest raid of all, the british marines raid on St Nazaire in France which was the only harbor port big enough for the German destroyer that was sinking supply ships heading to the UK from America, that would of been a good one,

Now what have i done to help me accomplish all this, well i've brought books on the subjects and will make sure i get the facts strait for the war movies.

But one thing keeps standing in my way, I'm a lazy git and mostly sit around not doing much of anything, i hate my job (sorry) and spend most of my time there asleep waiting for my shift to end, i could spend this time planning out scenes or reading those books or even writing a scene, but no, i sit, i doze off and waste all the free time i have, i sit in front of my computer at home and stare at the Vloggerheads screen, i chat in the chat rooms, the VH one Tokbox and Stickam i also chat in Skype with text and video, but i don't write much there,

What i need to do is spend 3 hours a day writing, weather its at home or at work, i should at least spend that time writing, i could write up some notes about old ideas, i could finish that script I'm working on, i could write the next or in the current case finish the next Doors of my Subconscious Blog, but no, i sit and waste time,

Films, i could band together a group of like minded people in my area and make short films for Youtube, and maybe send them to film festivals then we would gain valuable experience and then maybe pick up the Autumn script blow off the dust and make it, a feature film, i know how, i know how to do this i know i do, i know i have it in me to do all this, but when your parents and most of your family and friends, either tell you that your wasting your time and to forget about it, to go get a proper job or they tell you that it won't work so way bother you'll never make it, epic words of encouragement thanks guys.

I get more forward thinking and encouraging things said from people i've never meet some i've never seen, they ask, no they pester me for my next blog because they enjoyed reading the last two.

So i guess i owe it to them to reach my goal, to be a writer and or film maker.

Or

I could just forget it all and work as a security guard the rest of my life, man i hate my life right now, i mean, what would happen if i just vanished, would anybody really care, the people on Vloggerheads would just forget me in a month or so, not to sure my Mother would give a shit, she'd just miss the rent money,my Dad most likely wouldn't even notice that i was gone and my sister, would just sit there saying "where's Jason" to which the answer would be "don't know".

Fact is, i've never really been that close to my family. I fell no sense of obligation towards them no sense of unconditional love, they are just the people i live with.

As i write this i feel an overwhelming sense of worthlessness like security is all i'm good for, am i better then this, am i really, maybe this is it, my life has peaked already, and the high point was getting my black belt when i was 12, 19 years ago, maybe i can't be a writer because i can't get motivated to do it over long periods of time, i'll write for weeks then stop for months, actually i'm finding it hard to write this piece of art,

I try to stay happy for the people that watch my video's and read my blogs, twisted as they are, but really, honestly, i'm pretty fucking miserable most of the time, i put on a smile and try to enjoy myself in front of you guys but once the camera is off, it comes back, i hate my life, i wouldn't say I'm depressed, more unhappy or unsatisfied with everything. Of course i'm the only person who can change the direct my life takes but i'm just to fucking lazy, like i said up there i spend all my free time doing fuck all and i'm starting to get fucking sick of it, sick of everything.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - I FUCKING HATE MY LIFE - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

You say you'll miss me, but for how long, once you laugh at another funny video you'll forget i'm gone, she'll wonder why i ain't talking to her and just find another to talk to, i'm easy to forget, don't think about me, don't worry about me, don't care about me, because in all honesty, after a few months away from everything i wouldn't think twice about Vloggerheads, my friends, my family.

I've never cared about staying in touch with people, and i've never been home sick, my "i couldn't give a shit" attitude is coming back and it can't see the point of anything i currently do, blogging, vlogging, chatting in text or video, it all seems a little sad right now, we call each other friends, but we hardly know each other, i mean for fuck sake i don't know some of your real names, i have such strong feeling for someone on vloggerheads, but i'm never going to see her for real, and even if i could what then, we fall romantically in love and elope, i mean COME on people, i feel like such a fucking prick, if i could die tomorrow i'd be pissed off that i had to wait so long.

Regards

The Failure

~Jay~

Sitting bored at work watching 'Into the Wild' a biopic about Christopher Johnson Mechandles (aka Alexander Supertramp) and i'm wondering..........

Supertramp

I'm sitting here, staring blankly at my monitor,

I have a story floating about my head, but i can't seem to get the words out, I know what the story is about and i know the out come, its just a silly little fantasy adventure about Kebab's and the frozen wastes of north london, with a final battle against the kebab demon,

I'm even having trouble writing this blog, i guess i've just been thinking about the story of my life, and the repetitive nature of it, and that sometimes i just want to end the paradox, not by suicide, but by selling everything i own, and i mean everything except one of my cameras and maybe even buying a new Macbook so every now and then i can up-load videos and photos so people who care if they can find me have at least some clue as to what i'm doing, then disappearing, not telling anyone where or why, just one day there i am and the next, i don't exist, off the grid so to speak, taking jobs when ever i need money, traveling the world, and sometimes when i think about this i drop my real name altogether make up a new one, the prospect of a fake passport has occurred to me, just so i can cross boarders when i need to, should i even carry papers that prove I'm a British citizen? incase trouble arises or is that a cop out,

Africa,

India,

Southeast Asia,

Mongolia,

China,

Australia,

New Zealand,

South America,

North America,

Of course i'd up-load the videos and photos once i've either left the area or country that i took them, or when i get a chance to reconnect to the world.

Creating new accounts and using a new email address so my name and past life can be forgotten, in the hope that i can start over, find my true nature, find out what kind of human i am, when faced with the hunger, poverty that is so prevalent in Africa would i turn my back because i just can't be bothered to help, or would i stay as long as i can until i feel like i've made a difference,

Would i just walk through these countries taking photos and recording lots of video like a tourist, would i stay in hotels or sleep rough, would i buy food or learn to hunt, could i learn to survive on my own learning the "tricks of the trade" from the people i meet, learning about their cultures and history as i go, not to mention the languages i would hear, and would that be such a problem, would i find humanity in every culture, every man, woman and child that i come across.

Been writing this blog for over an hour now.

The big question for me is, would i find a purpose. Or would i need to go on a vision quest for that ?

Its just the thought of continuing this paradox, its not very appealing to me, but then is it appealing to anyone? to live a life of minor differences day to day.

Regards

Fill in the blank

~_______~

A Bi-polar drunk

I love a drink every now and then, who doesn't right.

And most of the time i'm a happy kinda drunk, i just kind of flow with what ever is going on, birthdays (as long as it ain't mine) weddings funerals Bar B Q's any occasion that lets you drink lots of booze around people who are also drinking lots of booze, and lets face it we can use anything, any occasion even leaving work on a friday night.

Now before i continue i have to iterate that i am a light weight, after just one pint of beer i can feel my eye brows get heavy, and five is about my limit, anymore and i'll be on the floor under a table laying in a puddle of my own vomit, yea pretty picture.

Most of the time i'm a happy/silly drunk, and just set out to enjoy myself and have fun, using my drunkenness as an excuse to get away with idiocy, it works most of the time, i think i get that from my old man, who spends most of his time trying to dance like Elvis to pretty much anything, he could dance Elvis style to hip hop, it ain't good, trust me, but the point is that he enjoys himself.

Another thing i get from my old man is that sometimes i flip quickly from being happy to either extremely violent or emotionally depressive and self deprecating.

The violent side is very illogical and irrational sparking out bursts of abuse and fist throwing, but a catalyst is needed.

As is the emotional side, it just kind of happens, no build up and there usually isn't any way to stop it, my emotional state is like lighting thermite or starting a nuclear reaction, a chain reaction that snow balls out of control, out of my control, i say and do things that i later regret, once i wake up of course.

Well i had an emo moment last night/this morning after drinking about 9 or 10 bottles of Carlsberg Export while chatting to a chick i happen to really like, but she never opens up and to be honest its was starting to get a little tiresome.

She's not great at taking complements, so when i do pay her some, she calls me a crackhead for saying so, and lately most of our "chats", which always start off so well, using video for a few hours, then she tells me that she's going off camera, and that we can continue our chat with IM, needless to say responses take a long time to come back.

Every now and then she gets depressed, so i ask,"What's up" and the responses i usually get are "Meh" or "You wouldn't understand". Its not about the understanding, sometimes it just helps to get it out, to tell someone. Or give me the back ground and help me understand.

Well that was my catalyst, and the reason i wrote my last blog.

I decided to stop going to all the social networking sites that i use, sites that are designed for human interaction just to detox from it all, although i'm not to sure about when I'm going back on to them, if at all, i mentioned Youtube in my last blog, which isn't a social networking site, so i will use it, but its unlikely that i'll respond to any comments or even make comments, i'll just watch my Subs and be done with it.

Regards

Whatever.

~Jay~